I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
