I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
My underwear smells like fireworks.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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