ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Randomize
