I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
