So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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