There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize