One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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