M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
