Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I have post one night stand depression
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
