the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
