Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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