I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Your penis caused this!
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