I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
