Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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