I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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