she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I showed him my bush... on skype.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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