Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
