I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Everyone says I win the strip club
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
