I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
These tits shall not be calmed
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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