not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
