I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
