I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
