Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
