i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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