this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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