I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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