I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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