happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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