I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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