remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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