After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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