I wish I only lived at night.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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