I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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