Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
