Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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