Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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