Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
