I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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