We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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