I accidentally had phone sex last night
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
