please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
