Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I think I just shit out all my problems.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
