he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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