Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
