I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
