I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize