I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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