he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize