me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Randomize
