He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
