just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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