great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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