Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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