Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
