Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
