dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
