peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She even gives head with a lisp.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
