Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
