Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
