today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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