i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
